Do You Love Me?

[Teratogen]

Do You Love Me?

Lift the veil from your face
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Break down the walls in the place
Where your beauty hides
Take my hand in yours
Baby, don’t be afraid
Unlock all the doors
To your lonely heart betrayed

I know the girl you hide beneath the masks
She can’t look me in the eye when she asks

Do you love me for all of my fears?
Do you love me when I break down in tears?
Do you love me with my insecurities?
Do you love me if I can no longer please?
Do you love me though I am a liar?
Do you love me and my angry fire?
Do you love me as I fall apart?
Do you love me now with all your heart?

So much love to give
But you just can’t accept
There’s only one life to live
Without much to be kept
Sometimes it’s hard to comprehend
Life is so short and unknown
Baby, be my friend
Don’t choose to be alone

Making up for everything that this world lacks
The heart inside you is frantic when it asks

Do you love me when I push you away?
Do you love me through the disarray?
Do you love me if I get confused?
Do you love me though I’ve been abused?
Do you love me as I come undone?
Do you love me when I am no fun?
Do you love me when I don’t feel smart?
Do you love me now with all your heart?

You walked me to my car
The night I came to your place
Your smile sparkled like a star
As you fell into my embrace
We enjoyed the night together
In each other’s company
I knew that night would last forever
In my happy memory

So let me be the one to give you all the facts
My heart is so alive with joy when it asks

Do I love you? More than you can know
Do I love you? Above and below
Do I love you? For everything you are
Do I love you? Both near and far
Do I love you? More than happiness
Do I love you? With all that I possess
Do I love you? Like a work of art
Do I love you now? With all my heart

Do I love you? With passionate flair
Do I love you? No one can compare
Do I love you? For all that you’re not
Do I love you? Oh, have you forgot?
Do I love you? With every breath
Do I love you? Baby, until death
Do I love you? Since the very start
Do I love you now? With all my heart

Do you love me? Yes, I do
Do you love me? Yes, I do
Do you love me? Yes, I do
Do you love me? Yes, I do

[Joney]

Hi T, at first I thought this might be something to do with the Nick Cave song.

Actually is this a song? It reads like song lyrics.

Lovely story, insecure beginning but happy ending. It's sweet.

[Teratogen]

Yeah, I wrote it. It's not happy. But if you believe in wish fulfillment it can be.

[Cate]

I also read it like a song and really liked it.

[Teratogen]

Most of the time I write my poetry like songs. I enjoy the art of rhyme and the challenge of it. And being a musician I feel it come naturally to me. I'm not usually repetetive when I write songs though, but I felt the subject matter of this one was worth having a distinct refrain.

The girl I am in love with that used to be a very good friend that I pushed away because of my overbearing nature and how I approached my feelings for her is definitely the subject. She has never asked me that question, but I am giving the answer to dispel any doubts and fears she may have. Nearly everything I've posted in the last 3 weeks is about her and it's been brutal. Most of it is hopeless and desperate. I have tried so many various things to get my mind off her but it doesn't work. So I tried to take these overwhelming emotions and turn it into something else.

[jabble524]

I liked this. It read like a song, but that's ok, it still came across with alot of feeling and emotion. My only suggestion poetically would be to give more insight into why the girl is so withdrawn, and pulling away from you, and building walls around her heart. I got the sense that she had been hurt, and was afraid of being hurt again. If you're comfortable giving more insight, I think it would help to further engage the reader of your poem.

Personally, I hope it works out for you. I don't mean to sound pretentious, as we only know each other a little through this forum, but one of the most important things I have learned from relationships is that it's very hard to love someone else, without loving yourself. And that to really know and connect with a lover, you have to know and connect with yourself first. It seemed that the girl in your poem was struggling with self-doubt, insecurity, and confusion. So this seemed relevant. If this is the case, maybe try giving her some space, even though it will be painful for you. Time is a funny thing, and if you're meant to be together, then she'll walk into your heart when she's ready.

Anyways, I wish you well, and hopefully I didn't come off as some internet version of dr. phil

- Jason

[Teratogen]

Funny. My name is Jason too.

You didn't come off like Dr. Phil. That guy is an asshole and a discredit to psychiatry as a viable study of psychoanalysis. I can give all the insight I want about her as a person, but most of it is speculation. I've seen it before. In fact I've lived it. Her and I share many of the same insecurities. I've studied psychology myself for a number of years and though she's never come out and said these things and, in fact, has outright denied them when I asked her about it I am still very sure that she is afraid.

If you want more of an insight towards the kind of person she is read my poem "Engulfed." Someone once told me she was a fire. It was the first poem I wrote after she unceremoniously told me she didn't want my love and that I needed to leave her alone. And like a fire she needs to cool off. I have given her that space. It's been 3 weeks and 3 days now. She has blocked me off from all contact. No AIM, no MySpace, and she's probably blocked my phone number, though I haven't even tried calling or texting her because that same person warned me it would only make things worse.

But I can't go on like this. I've NEVER been this torn up about anyone. Not even my own mother who left me when I was 6. I have never cried for 3 weeks straight over someone. I've never had someone in my thoughts from the moment I awake to the moment I attempt to sleep. Never. And that's no exaggeration either. I can't function, I have no appetite, everyone I work with is worried about me. I broke down in front of my sister, in front of my father just yesterday before we went out to dinner together. I have experienced love pains before, but this is I think the worst feeling I've ever had.

She was a friend to me. A dear, close friend. She made me see things in myself I never knew were there. I always questioned whether or not I was good enough to be loved, to be worthy of being loved, and I didn't see much in myself. But she helped me to see that. Not by anything specific or anything she said, but the simple fact that she was the only girl I ever cared about that actually enjoyed my company and wanted to spend time with me. She never seemed to judge me and accepted me for all that I was and all that I wasn’t. When I started to look at the deep dark shit in my life there was always that constant light at the end of the tunnel, and she was the one standing there. I looked into her deep darkness and became overwhelmed with all of the incredible things I saw in her. I don’t think she sees those things in herself though. But that was the moment I actually fell in love with her.

But she’s just like me in the sense that she believes that love is the greatest thing on the planet and when you put love on a pedestal it seems to high above and so out of reach and then you doubt your whole life if you’re ever going to be good enough to have it. She always talks about loving life, loving nature, loving to learn, loving people and friends, love this, love that, love, love, love. Yeah, it’s important. It’s powerful. It’s awesome. It’s incredible. I don’t think anyone who has that much love in their hearts are being facetious or pretentious. I believe in love and I believe in the people who believe in love. Putting it everywhere except into herself. That was me. To a T.

She pushed me away because I wanted to love her and she did not want it. I asked her why she was afraid but she claimed she wasn’t. I told her I wasn’t offering doom or heartache and just asked for a chance. I realized maybe I backed her up against a wall and became a bit overbearing, but she cowered in her corner and said some terrible things to me. I guess I can understand that when people feel threatened they will say things they don’t really mean, but it hurt, man. It fucking HURT. And that was the last time we spoke. As I said, she’s blocked off all contact with me and the only thing I can do myself is to drive down to her place and stalk her. But that does me absolutely no good. Maybe I could write a letter and mail it to her. But if she blocked me off everywhere else though maybe it’s a good indication that she just doesn’t want to hear from me, so who am I to force myself upon her like that?

I’m the only one who can help my situation. I can’t go on living like this. But the only way I’m going to help myself is to get that sense of closure, if it is over anyway. I fear that she is happier without me. At least she puts up that front right now as far as I can tell. But somehow I want to believe that she’s not. That she’ll be so kind enough to talk to me again. But I’m such a mess now that I can’t do anything but wallow in my sorrows. I gave myself a deadline of one month. At the one-month mark I will try to do something. Anything. I’m so afraid of pushing her away even further and ruining any chance of reconciling even just as friends. And I’m so afraid of making it even worse.

This song I wrote was more of a wish fulfillment thing. I only believe that she has those fears and insecurities. With good reason, no doubt, but still. I only believe she wants to be loved but is afraid that she’s not good enough. I wanted to put those fears to rest and just come right out and say it. It’s more of a what-if scenario if anything. I just can’t live without her. Bottom line. If I can make it through the worst pain I’ve ever experienced and swallow my pride and hide my true feelings for her JUST to have her as a friend again, I would do it. I would sacrifice that much just to be able to see her once more.

[Joney]

Dear Jason

I read your other poem and agree with Byron about this girl. She is not fire, she's ice. Anybody who could cut somebody who proclaims a love for them out of their life in this cruel manner is just not worth it.

You may not think it now but there will be others in your life and they'll be much more worthy of you love. It is definitely her loss and hard as it is at the moment for you, you'll realise this one day.

You take care of yourself.

Regards
Joney

[Cate]

Hi Jason,

My heart has never broken but I have bruised it. What can be hard is that the pain seems to be the cure – the person who you would normally reach for, is the one person you can’t reach for – that can feel very lonely. I know that you haven’t asked for advice but since you’ve been so open, can somebody who doesn't know you and has very little experience with love, give you some. (don't keep reading if the answers no )

I think your friend is right Jason, contacted her would make it worse for both of you as well as be potentially harmful to any future relationship. Your affection might scare her or; she may not be ready for this, she may not be ready for you, she may not be for you or worse perhaps she is for you but you are not for her. If you really care about her give her space, don’t try to make her feel guilty or desperately try to pull on her like a drowning man (I’m not saying that you do that – but some people in pain do and the result is not good). Take some time and let your wounds scab up a bit.

I’m not trying to downplay your pain – nothing hurts worse and you are also grieving the potential loss of a good friend and not to get weird on you but sounds like a sisterly person as well. May I make a suggestion – you’re need for closure is real but you might what to wait until your pain is less intense so that it doesn’t get in the way of being able to say the things you truly want to and be able to hear what she has to say. It’s possible that if she senses that you are still in distress that she will be defensive and not her true self.

[jabble524]

That's tough man. I have had my heartbroken before, and it just takes time to recover. There's always light at the end of the tunnel, even if it feels like endless dark at the moment. I wish you the best.
- Jason

[Teratogen]

I would give her all the time in the world. But when there's never a guarantee and there's never any clear vision ahead of what is to come I get nervous, anxious, confused, afraid... I can't go on like that. People are starting to get angry that I'm non-responsive, non-functioning. My dad and my sister are telling me to snap out of it, my boss is telling me it does me no good to continue like this. I know they're right. What good am I to anyone? Even to myself?

But I feel that the only way I'm going to be able to help myself is to try to make contact with her. I was told by that same pessimist friend that if I tried to contact her then I didn’t really care about her because I wasn’t respecting her space, I was only caring about myself. I understand what he’s saying. But it’s so confusing. I know what I want to say, and I know what needs to be said, and I don’t want her living the rest of her life thinking bad things about me. I feel the only way to settle a problem is to talk it out. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me. I’m not a realistic person however. I don’t always know what’s good for me. I want more than anything in the world right now to get things straight between us and to make it right. But I’m hearing different things from different people and all the while they tell me to keep my own counsel.

As for what Joney said, my sister also said that she wasn’t worth it and it was her loss. I dunno, I just can’t see it that way. I believe she is worth it. Every minute of it, of this. I can’t vilify somebody else just to make myself feel better, especially somebody I love and care for greatly. Everyone also talks about “other people.” I don’t care about other people. Not right now. I don’t care to think about building up other relationships with people I don’t even know right now. I want to focus on this one. I want to make this one right before I can even move on.

I don’t think my pain is going to get less intense. Most people rely on time to heal all wounds. Some may require time. Some just require action.

Like I said before, I fear she is happier without me. I don’t want to believe it, but I fear that it is true. And if it is, then why would she ever want to talk to me again? What need would she have? The mind is a powerful thing, and if she has convinced herself that she has everything she wants and life is making her happy, then where do I fit in? I fear that giving her more time and more time will cause a greater separation than already exists. I’ll still be thinking of her every day and she’ll go on living her life as if I was never a part of it. I must have meant something to her. I must have made her feel happy at one time. Right? Why else would she want me as a friend? I am important, right?

[Alsiony]

When something so big happens to you- in my experience it never completely leaves you whatever you do. This is how we become stronger in a way- this is how we become rounded characters, this is how we truly get to learn who we really are, this is a precious part of life, and a lot of people are too afraid to let it in properly when it happens. For me, as it turned out, I believe that would have been far more destructive than what actually happened to me. Everything 'costs' something. And that is certainly not a bad thing- it is the way of it. One way or another life appears to me as a series of exchanges.
In my own personal experience I have been in a situation very very similar to what you have been describing, it is kinda spooky and surreal to read some what you have written to be honest- I have a very vivid memory and I have found myself 'right back there' at your words on some occasions. My memories such as these, I take care of by keeping them safe in the lower caverns of my soul. I do not live on them day to day in the immediate sense. They are deeply precious and still full of all kinds of emotions for me, they are a part of who I am and I embrace them for that fact. I would not be without a single one of them- whatever feelings and thoughts they may ever conjure up in me. By being able to truly feel and truly experience love, and truly live with the fallout, and by being able to learn that, whatever happens- however utterly unbearable a situation may have been, my ability to love and to feel love will never be shattered. That is one thing I have not, and never will give up. I suppose it is one of my foundation stones, and it is one of many many very important things that I learnt about myself as a consequence of such a harrowing experience.
There is not always a right or a wrong answer to some things. There is not always a right or wrong action to take either. If you feel that you should write and send a letter, maybe you should. For me, I did. I knew I would not get any kind of 'closure' any other way. I don't like that word really- but its meaning is understood! But I also knew that I would not get a response- and I didn't. But I know that he read it. When I had finally got to the point of deciding to send it- it was me making my own end of it all, I couldn't keep going on the way I was. I really wasn't getting over him atall. Writing to him was the best I could hope for really, the only final thing I could do. I felt like I couldn't not send it. I knew that it would not change the way it had all turned out- but atleast by sending it- I had reached the end of the road on my side of it all. As vastly important as his feelings were to me- I had to realise that my own feelings and ways of trying to deal with it all were equally as important. The tone of my letter was pretty final I know- and even though I never heard another word- I know he would have understood my reasons for feeling like I had to write to him. I hope that makes some kind of sense. It did bring me some peace, it didn't bring me complete peace- but nothing would have at that time anyways.
In stark contrast on the other hand- any kind of peace can't always be brought about by some kind of 'closure' though, it is a concept that I think is sometimes too heavily relied upon. It is not always possible for a start. I think too many people see it as an answer, and if they don't have it they feel they will be lost forever and this is such a shame. Sometimes there is nothing to be done, no action to take to be able to achieve any better end to a situation, some inner peace must be found by other means.
I am married these days and have 3 children, life is very good and I feel truly blessed. I am lucky to have some extremely amazing people in my life. I still know love.
That love that I knew will always be with me somehow, it was illuminating in its beginning middle and in it's end. Like many other episodes in my life, it was and still is a very important chapter in my own personal story.
I sincerely wish you all the best things
A
x

[Teratogen]

Thank you, Alsiony. I want to try to get my friend to convince her to talk to me before deciding upon sending the letter. I view it as a sort of last resort. As you said, you sent a letter to your beloved once and never heard back from him, ever. And you said there was a great amount of finalization in the letter as if it were to mean "if this is over forever then this is what I wanted to say." I kind of see that in my letter. If I decide to send it however I'm going to make some more edits and modifications and whatnot. I have to make sure it's exactly what I want her to read. I posted an excerpt of it here on this board if you would like to take a look. It's a piece from towards the end of the letter. I felt it more emotionally than anything else in the letter, and the entire thing is very emotional and personal.