New poem

[In_betweenthegrey]

You confuse me with rainbows
after the storm
which is always constant

what hat should I wear today
what voice or non voice
can I allow my opinions to take

How cruel it is
that I feel I must play the part
just to prevent tomorrows drama

and you know,
my feet are still bleeding
from the shells of last years easter egg hunt

You're like coffee in the morning
without the sugar
and I'm suffocating on the aroma

I just can't breathe anymore
you've painted the walls with sadness
and whitewashed the truth away
to the point where I can no longer see
which line to cross

Tina Lea

[Christopher T. George]

Hi Tina

The last stanza is very strong and persuasive.

If I may say so, I have some problem with the inconsistencies in the style of presention.

You say:

I just can't breathe anymore
you've painted the walls with sadness

This is fairly conventional, although I would make it two words "any more" but earlier on you have gone with the lower case "i" in

what hat should i wear today
what voice or non voice
can i allow my opinions to take

Which is it to be? I or i? I would suggest that you need to discover your own style and stick with it.

You have "last years easter egg hunt" but "You're like coffee in the morning"

-- wouldn't "last year's Easter egg hunt" be better and more consistent with the coffee line?

Nothing wrong with the ideas you present in the poem, grey. I am just reacting as a reader to the inconsistency with which the poem is presented. Good luck in revising.

Chris

[In_betweenthegrey]

Thanks no prob

i just type i dont take the time on here to edit my I's or i's, also i'm not sure what you mean by pick my own style and stick with it? again much like my typing i just write i dont follow any particular style nor could i tell you what style it is that i write because in all honesty i know nothing of poetry other than what catches my heart and mind. i write from emotion not from literary education. however any constructive views are welcome but i will respond.

You have "last years easter egg hunt" but "You're like coffee in the morning"

-- wouldn't "last year's Easter egg hunt" be better and more consistent with the coffee line?

im not too sure how this would work but if you can find a way for me to choke on the aroma of bitterness and bloody feet without separating the imagery in both stanza's i will gladly work on it


Tina

[Christopher T. George]

Hello Tina

Yes okay. You may type it as you find it although some of us who wish to comment on the works posted here might appreciate some consistency in presentation, so it's something you might think about. Okay?

Chris

[In_betweenthegrey]

Hey sure no problem if it makes it easier for you to read i can do that.

lol i believe i had a little pointer on that in a previous post i just did not understand that it was that important to that reader also i should let you know that i tend to leave out comma's and periods completely

Thanks
Tina

[In_betweenthegrey]

Chris,

I will try to see what it is that i can do with those two lines that you pointed out the thing is that the eggshells are a silent thought (like something you would say in your head) and the coffee line is more directed at the person. maybe if I put the eggshells in italics? I am not sure here

[Christopher T. George]

Hi Tina

I am an editor in real life and am just used to a certain consistency of presentation. Other people may not be editors but are just used to in their own writing, using conventions of style in the same way. So you see that writers have a style that they like to follow and expect other writers to follow suit.

Chris

[In_betweenthegrey]

yes i can understand that its similar in the way that i prefer some poetry over other poetry for instance I really enjoy shakespere's work i just can't stand reading some of it

[Jimmy O'Connell]

Tina,
Punctuation and grammar matter.
I like the emotional impact.... so it deserves to be presented as accurately as possible. I have just punctuated.


Title?

You confuse me with rainbows
after the storm
which is always constant.

What hat should I wear today?
What voice or non-voice
can I allow my opinions to take?

How cruel it is
that I feel I must play the part
just to prevent tomorrow's drama.

And you know,
my feet are still bleeding
from the shells of last years easter egg hunt.

You're like coffee in the morning
without the sugar
and I'm suffocating on the aroma.

I just can't breathe anymore;
you've painted the walls with sadness
and whitewashed the truth away
to the point where I can no longer see
which line to cross.



Keep at it...
Jimmy

[In_betweenthegrey]

ok with jimmys punctuation (thank you jimmy) and added italics on the silent self talk, still need to come up with a title ....working on it...i could also change up the stanzas...hmmmm



You confuse me with rainbows
after the storm
which is always constant.

What hat should I wear today?
What voice or non-voice
can I allow my opinions to take?

How cruel it is
that I feel I must play the part
just to prevent tomorrow's drama.

And you know,
my feet are still bleeding
from the shells of last years easter egg hunt.

You're like coffee in the morning
without the sugar
and I'm suffocating on the aroma.

I just can't breathe anymore;
you've painted the walls with sadness
and whitewashed the truth away
to the point where I can no longer see
which line to cross.

[In_betweenthegrey]

Stanza change

You confuse me with rainbows
after the storm
which is always constant.

What hat should I wear today?
What voice or non-voice
can I allow my opinions to take?

You're like coffee in the morning
without the sugar
and I'm suffocating on the aroma.

And you know,
my feet are still bleeding
from the shells of last years easter egg hunt.

How cruel it is
that I feel I must play the part
just to prevent tomorrow's drama.

I just can't breathe anymore;
you've painted the walls with sadness
and whitewashed the truth away
to the point where I can no longer see
which line to cross.

[lizzytysh]

This is a powerful description of an environment fraught with emotional, if not physical, abuse. I felt compelled to change the word "household" to "environment," due to the prison-like qualities your poem describes. The pattern is clearly there; perhaps, they've reached a critical mass. If this describes your current situation, I hope you're okay and will make it out. I have a feeling you already know this; but just in case, I encourage you that there are ways available.

Regarding your poem's construction, I like the way you've separated out the forms of your communication with italics.

Very effective use of double entendre with your egg shells reference.

The only suggestion I have relates to your last stanza. With the others having three lines up to that point, for me it drags down unnecessarily when it ends with five. For me, it would have more punch if you separated the five out into another three and then two, and eliminated some words, so instead of:

I just can't breathe anymore;
you've painted the walls with sadness
and whitewashed the truth away
to the point where I can no longer see
which line to cross.

it would have punctuation consistent with what preceded it and would now read:

I just can't breathe anymore;
you've painted the walls with sadness
and whitewashed the truth away.

I can no longer see
which line to cross.

I checked to see if crossing a line had been mentioned previously, in any way, and it hasn't. Via the context, it's not confusing to me what you mean by it; though I'm wondering if it might be, in any way, for others.


Sincerely,
Lizzy

[In_betweenthegrey]

Lizzy,

I liked what you did with the last stanza. I'm thinking a good book on how to write poetry may help me out alot as i know little about form.

Via the context, it's not confusing to me what you mean by it; though I'm wondering if it might be, in any way, for others.

You know one of the things that i loved about Leonard Cohen's work is that I did not always understand the emotion behind what he was writing. As i grew and experienced things in my own life i began to understand many of the messages he was trying to portray.

Thanks all for your help

[In_betweenthegrey]

You confuse me with rainbows
after the storm
which is always constant.

What hat should I wear today?
What voice or non-voice
can I allow my opinions to take?

You're like coffee in the morning
without the sugar
and I'm suffocating on the aroma.

And you know,
my feet are still bleeding
from the shells of last years easter egg hunt.

How cruel it is
that I feel I must play the part
just to prevent tomorrow's drama.

I just can't breathe anymore;
you've painted the walls with sadness
and whitewashed the truth away

I can no longer see
which line to cross.

[lizzytysh]

As i grew and experienced things in my own life i began to understand many of the messages he was trying to portray.

Yes, I know what you mean. His work grows with you... or I guess that would be that you grow with it... or both.

lizzytysh wrote:

Via the context, it's not confusing to me what you mean by it; though I'm wondering if it might be, in any way, for others.

You know one of the things that i loved about Leonard Cohen's work is that I did not always understand the emotion behind what he was writing.

Good point on why it's not so necessary to clarify "which line." Since I rarely make them, I'm glad that you liked my suggestion. [For consistency and proper punctuation, I would still put a period after the last line of your next-to-last stanza.] I like your poem very much.


~ Lizzy