Melbourne Story

[Boss]

The voices vary
In intensity
High low rumble
There is no outside
All is protracted
Ordered
This bar
This little bar
Where men ogle
The birds
Women dress
In their
Saturday best
And all of us
Abandon the
Worry of
Mortality
And such
Trivia

The alcohol
Surges in
Relieving
Reducing
Amending
Reality's throb
So everything
Is wonderful
So courage
Screams anew
And humour
Finds relief
In nonsense
And style

I sip on my shandy
Swearing I'll only
Have this one
But I reckon the
Alternative is
Shite, damned
Boring, touché
I know they
Said 'Don't'
They didn't
Know the hell
Couldn't feel
So awful
I'll only have 2
That's it
Kaput now

It's done
I ordered
Nother shandy
The heat is on
And I'm strong
Not just to leave
But to stand
With my phobic
Dance an all
To stand against
The grain and stuff
Think I can do this
Think I really can
2 weeks outta home
Tomorrow, 2 weeks
An I miss it like mad
The certainty
Predictability
My bed

Not sure I can tackle
The next bit
Don't think I can, Len
And I thought Rod Laver
Was tough!

They're playing Fleetwood Mac - Rhiannon. I went and saw them with Jack more than 20 years ago. They're playing Melbourne 26th and 27th of this month. She shits me, I miss her. Wonder if she goes. Don't really care about her at all - not at all.

[Boss]

To me

The truth lives on
Even though
Most of the time
I am just
Lost in cryptic
Thought that
Only knows
Ineptitude, a
Hopelessness
That squeals 
Around in loss
And fear and
Emptiness
That steers
An imaginary
Train through
The suburbs
In the dark
A train that
Promises me
The station
I desire 
But just never
Seems to get
There at all
I'm stuck
In this loop
And there is 
Only one way
Out of it now

To be honest
With myself

[Boss]

The thing is: I don't particularly like socialising. I am happy to just sit and watch the cricket all weekend. I enjoy my own company. Do I have to mingle? Often you speak to someone and find it's only their needs they want met. Who really gives a shit about me; ask how I am, for example? I am a shy, retiring type. No speaker, no fool. I went out briefly to the shop. Once again I bought a sausage roll and a chocolate Big M. Also a bottle of orange juice. It is quite cool again - don't understand it, summer here in a week. I reckon it's struggling to get to 20. Weather has gone bananas. Greek Orthodox church open. Some of the participants out front done up to the nines. I didn't go in in my shabby shorts and old tee shirts. Would have liked to, though. They obviously think they have the truth. How do they know? I told their priest two Fridays ago that I was Jewish. He looked at me quizzically. What's wrong with a Jew praying in a place they worship a very beautiful Jew called Yeshu'a (Jesus)? Or a Jew worshipping G-d on his hands and knees in a place they venerate a prophet who regarded highly the men of the book, who preached about caring for the broken? What's wrong with a Jew sitting in an armchair watching the damn cricket? He still prays for guidance here, for direction. He thinks again. He's on his own. Some say follow your instincts - that is hard. Some say use your head - that's all confusing. But I say do it out of my own volition, from my heart. I go. To hell with it all, I'm going! As Joseph Campbell implored his students, "Follow your bliss!"  My bliss is daunting but I gotta go with it. Imagine me if I don't!

[Boss]

9.43am Monday

Laying on my bed, ruminating. Just remembering crying for myself a few days ago upon completion of the piece 'In A House Where Everyone Is Happy'. I cried - and it was liberating. In our culture often we're taught (well boys are) to be a man, suck it in. But I think crying is a beautiful function we've been endowed with. It's like a magnification of your pain, a rupture of the dam. And it needs to burst sometimes, the waters need to cascade down. It is release, it is relief. Since I've been away I have cried bitterly twice, I suspect I will cry again. As a boy I remember Mum crying often after Esther died. As a nine year old you don't know what to do. I used to get the tissues or try and make a cup of tea. Nine year olds don't like seeing their mums, their security, cry. Now when we talk about the family and Mum gets emotional I just hold her. I think crying is healthy - like I intimated, we are given this function, why laugh it off or ignore it? Plan today to go to the zoo. Wonder if I make it. I've been told the orangutans are magic. Wanna see the chimpanzees and gorillas. Something about primates - a kinship. Also want to see the elephants and giraffes. Something about size.

1.25 pm

At the giraffe enclosure. They are magnificent. 3 of em with a couple zebra. I wonder what they think of this mad man punching into his I-phone. Their purply tongues so long, just chewing on their lunch. The shapes in their coats, the lines of the zebra. Later a group of baboons - two making love. Sitting now in the food court - bloody seagulls everywhere. Lotsa kids with their folks or schools. I'm feeling pretty good - according to many experts I shouldn't be. Weather warming up.

2.44pm

Back in. So glad I got out. It was good. Soon I'll be off to Brissie. I have no idea what awaits me. What the concert will be like. Indeed, what the whole deal will be. Maybe I am just a mad man tempting fate by punching away on an I-phone, asking questions of different faiths and challenging all forms of conventional wisdom. I dunno, I just dunno. What I write may not be worth a brass razoo (and that's nothing anyway), but I'm searching, I'm looking for a truth. As true as a giraffe munching into her tucker, as true as the G-d I seek.

[Cate]

I always like your poetry Boss but I'm enjoying these pieces of personal prose very much. They give pause for much thought.

Crying, despite the fact that I resent crying sometimes, I do think it's a very healthy and freeing (as long as you can give yourself over to it). So glad you got to the zoo, there is something very wonderful about connecting to our fellow creatures like that - I do wonder what they think, who is watching who. Over here we're waiting for winter - we've had a light dusting of snow on the ground since Saturday and promises of more to come over the next few days. Our winters have been much to mild over the last few years so I'm hoping that this is a good sign for a nice white one this year.

I wish you safe travels to Brisbane and hope that your continuing search brings good things to/for you. xx

[Boss]

I thank you Cate for your interest and your friendship. It means a great deal. I hope your winter is indeed white. I would like one day to experience snow in the place I lived. Van Morrison put out an album last year. It is called, 'Born To Sing: No Plan B'. For me unfortunately there cannot be a plan B. Whether I'm born to sing only time will tell. I think I'm just an average bloke, a bit down on his luck, a bit down on himself. Agreeing to leave to Brisbane has been one of the most painful things I have ever done. Now all that is needed is to perform the act.

[Boss]

1.29pm Wednesday

Waiting at the departure gate. Nervous, excited, expectant. Thumb a little shaky on the panel. Will be okay.

1.56pm

On the plane. Boarding. Feeling okay. I am strong, bloody oath.

2.03 pm Brisbane time. I'm in the air. 52 minutes to my destination. I'm feeling well. The plane is smooth. I've got nothing to lose now. We humans we've done so much. These planes, these machines. It is poetry. Really is. Can't believe I'm here. I just can't believe I'm here. 47 minutes, 561 km to Brisbane. 905 km/h is our speed. Hope Leonard is worth it! Hope it all goes well.

4.36pm Brisbane time

Jeez they have it warm up here. I made it into my shared accommodation. I am hungry for some tucker, just relaxing on my bed. I can hear the traffic outside. The air conditioner is on - still bloody hot! Us Melbournians used to the cool. I cannot believe it - I just can't.

[Boss]

I left you there
in November '92.
It was the 27th.
I went to Israel.
Today 21 yrs later
I took off outta
Tullamarine.
And if I knew
you would have
kept me -
I never would
have gone.

[Boss]

8.52am Thursday

There is a bar/cafe attached to my place of residence - this has proven to be handy twice already. I promised the powers that be I wouldn't drink alcohol - I had a pint of shandy last night. My roommate had to leave - young man from Deutschland. The city has its own particular beat, its own throb. So have I. It still waits to explode from under the covers, under the fear. Wonder if Lenny can dispel some of this Saturday night. Do you have a mentor? Cohen, Dylan, Morrison - those 3 - they are my mentors, have been for 21 years. They're in the know. I believe that love knows truth - that they are great mates. Inherently, one does not exist without the other. Honesty - a moving song by Billy Joel - 'is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue'. Imagine a world where we didn't lie and cheat. Where we were noble and brave and honest. Where each of us had integrity. I know I'm aiming way too high out of the ball park, but you gotta aim big, you gotta believe. We can transform - we can. 'Every heart, every heart to love will come - but like a refugee'. Every one of us, all of us will know love, have a sense of truth - we will be honest. Is that so bad? Is it so bad to believe? What other hope do we have? Fiscal policy, greed, tearing down a forest, harpooning a whale? Ignoring our children or going to war? Change begins inside every single one of us. There is no other way. We gotta face up to the damage done early in our lives and work through it. This is the start of freedom, the time to unravel our 'true' selves - the time to begin to love ourselves. It is possible for all of us. I don't care what you think, it is.

[Boss]

As sure as the sun will set tonight, I will win.

[Boss]

8.01pm

Listening to Lennon's 'Imagine'. He nailed it here. Reached deep inside and found us all. I'm very tender right now. But I will hang on. Gotta get to Saturday. G-d handed me a poor hand, but because of it, I have learned so much. The aim when you're tense is to have faith in the Living G-d. And in Him I do. I've barely been out, might have got to the street, since I got here yesterday. It was a deliberate ploy. Think I should get out tomorrow. Just a leisurely stroll. Hope Leonard is doing well in Townsville - I know that place, my woman's family were there for a while. We had good times, and bad. It's an interesting place - hot! It is really pleasant out now. This country, this island, this continent. It has got everything. But I bet you'd say that about your pad.

[Boss]

9.35am Friday Shabbat Eve

Will attempt to suck in a bit of Brisbane air this arvo (afternoon). Looking out for holy places, for the Brisbane River - took a cruise down it with Jackie very early 1992. I reckon it was one of the last things we did just the two of us. I was writing much poetry then, Jack was just trying to keep us together. On that trip we were visiting Mum who was living here with her partner. All so long ago. I was a shit to her. You know I don't know if she gave all she could, either. She was 24, I was 23. So very young and unaware of so much. I was aware but it was hazy, on the back burner. At the end of '92 I left for Israel, then things were crystal clear - but I'd lost the girl. 5 years we slogged it out. For 4 1/2 I was somewhere else. 21 years since we kissed, 21 years. Last time we saw one another was in October 1994 - in a courtroom. She won her restraining order; I lost a truth I couldn't tell her. October 7th 1994, the day she finally won her freedom. I know some of you think I'm mad, most probably haven't got a clue, but if you are one of those who think, "Keep on going!" I thank you. I wonder how she is right now. Still running from a deluded fool or does she know there's more to it. Don't suppose it matters - doesn't matter much at all. Just quietly, Leonard in 33 hours.

Shabbat Shalom,
Boss

[Boss]

Meet Boss - the one making all the noise of late

Jack, this is me now. I remember you in
the courthouse. You were angry, then
humoured by me. This is no joke, baby.
This is for keeps. I invite you in. Come.

[Boss]

2.08pm

I made an indentation into Brisbane, very warm - 32 degrees. I am not exactly very fit so I didn't walk a great distance but I got my heart rate up pretty high. The heat off the footpath reminds me of Melbourne heat in February. They say 23 tomorrow - maybe there'll be a little relief for Leonard. I wonder of the heat in Cairns and Townsville? I wonder why I am doing this 'Story' at all. She'll never see it, she doesn't give a toss. Anyway, the streets were filled with furious cars, quick walking women and smartly attired blokes. I caught a glimpse of the river, I think I'll explore a little more in detail tomorrow. For about 5 years I didn't go on the Internet on Shabbat. Last Saturday I did. I was angry with myself. I've decided while I'm travelling I will go on. I reckon I'd be very bored and lonely (as I already am) without you all. I reckon G-d will understand. On Shabbat, Mum lights the candles and says the Brocchus. Then I say the Shema and read a Psalm. I have a Bible so I will recite something. Much peace, Adam

[mat james]

Great photo, Boss.
I am enjoying your sunny, reflective saunter on this thread; so thanks for the read.

I found this little paper below on the internet a couple of days ago and I loved its clarity.
The gist of it is how we each create our own subjective world view, that we are all creative little Brahmas seeking some perspective on Truth (whatever that is) as you mentioned in your writings above. ("Until then, we remain Brahmas, unworshipped creators." )
It intrigues me that they do not worship their Creator God, as Abrahamic religions do, only their Destroyer (Shiva)and their sustainer (Vishnu). But Brahma misses out!

For me, it was a beautiful read with a foreign yet enlighteningly fresh view. It gave me new understandings of the workings of our mind. It gave me a different understanding of Hindu psychology. It helped me know myself even better; crazy guy that I am; but it made it clear why I am crazy!
The author says we are all "fearful Brahmas grappling with existential angst".....what a great line!!!

Maybe you will enjoy it too. I hope so.

http://devdutt.com/articles/indian-myth ... inity.html

regards,
matbbgJ