meet me downtown tonight, and wear that green sweater

[piñata heart]

meet me downtown tonight,
and wear that green sweater.
the one that falls off the shoulders.
you'll be late as usual,
and I'll be drunk already,
but, oh the shape of you
when you walk through that door.

i'll buy every drink,
(i'll even pay for
some of our sins)
if just once,
for old times' sake,
you'll look at me
the way you used to.

and don't forget about that sweater.
you know the one.

[Geoffrey]

concerning piñata heart's poem and michael's insistence on correct usage of the apostrophe:

ERRATUM:
replace: for old time's sake
with: for old times' sake

[piñata heart]

Thanks Geoffrey. I'm usually pretty meticulous about that. Actually, I'm pretty damn anal about that. But I suppose everyone slips, from time to time.

[John K.]

While I hate to add to the discussion about typos, you might want to look at the title.

More importantly, a review. Overall I loved this poem. The thought of "just one more time look at me that way" is universal to most of us who have had a relationship that failed, and bittersweet memories of things that are still special even after years have gone by. The equating of that feeling to a special piece of clothing that was especially liked is a wonderful analogy. The imagary of her being late as she always was, and you already being drunk because she's late and that's what would always happen is a great lead in to the whole point of the story.

If you take this poem farther, I would lose the "paying for our sins" because it detracts from the story for me. While it's a clever line it sticks out and isn't really the point. The point is wishing that she would look at you "that way" one last time. Whether it's having one more lunch with my dad, or sleeping in my childhood bed, or having an old girlfriend look at me with love, man, I understand that feeling.

Well done,

John K.

[piñata heart]

Now I'm really embarassed! Thanks for pointing that out, John. My earlier statement about being meticulous probably doesn't hold much water now.

I do appreciate the notes, and I'm glad you dig. It's nice to hear that a complete stranger understand what you're trying to say. You pretty much nailed it, actually, and I'm glad it came across. Thanks again!

Best,

-ph

[woody]

i like this. i see it more as a musical piece. that probably dosen't help.
it's about the intoxication that takes over you- the type that warm winds, summer evenings, women and wine bring. sigh.

[Manna]

I venture you've recently seen "Ghost World"?

That sexy green sweater?
Was it just me, or did we have a moment?

[piñata heart]

That's a stitch, Manna! Great film! Hell...ANY film that features the music of Skip James is aces in my book!

-ph

[aaronblack]

This is excellent.

The economy, the universality, the prosody, the understated pathos...

It's exactly what I hope to see when reading poetry - but rarely do.

Nice work.

Thanks,
Aaron

[3010530027]

meet me downtown tonight,
and wear that green sweater.
the one that falls off the shoulders.
you'll be late as usual,
and I'll be drunk already,
but, oh the shape of you
when you walk through that door.

i'll buy every drink,
(i'll even pay for
some of our sins)
if just once,
for old times' sake,
you'll look at me
the way you used to.

and don't forget about that sweater.
you know the one.

I think the idea here is ok but the writing is rather flat and unimaginative. please get rid of the "sins" line and see if you can re-write with some more imagery rather than just the statements. saying "oh, the shape of you" is no substitute for creative imagery and "you know the one" is a particularly weak ending.

I hope you spend time on it and I look forward to reading a revised version.

Remember, many people never get as far as a decent idea let alone being able to write decent poetry!

all the best

Alice

"I am not a number"

[3010530027]

for real writing, check out Tom Waits "Red Shoes" . These are song lyrics so the standards are different from poetry yet can you get the imagery, set to music it's simply magnificent


she wore red shoes by the newstand
as the rain splashed the nickle
spilled like chablis along the midway
there's a little bluejay
in a red dress, on a sad night

one straw in a rootbeer
a compact with a cracked mirror
and a bottle of "evening in Paris" perfume
what's this sad tune

he told her to wait by the magazines
he had to take care of some business it seems
bring a raincoat
and a suitcase
and your dark eyes
and wear those red shoes

there's a dark huddle at the bus stop
umbrellas arranged in a sad bouquet
Li'l Caesar got caught
he has going down to second
he has cooled
changing stations on the chamber
to steal a diamond
from a jewellery store for his baby
he loved the way she looked
in those red shoes

she waited by the drugstore
Caesar had never been late before
and the dogs bayed the moon
and rattled their chains
and the cold jingle of taps in a puddle
was the burglar alarm
snitchin' on Caesar

note the rain washes memories from the sidewalks
and the hounds splash down the nickle
full of soldiers
and Santa Claus is drunk in the ski room
and it's Christmas eve
in a sad cafe
when the moon gets this way
there's a little blue my
by the news-stand
wearing red shoes

so meet me tonight by the drugstore
we're goin' out tonight
wear your red shoes


Alice

"I am not a number"

[aaronblack]

???

Hey Alice...

Tom Waits is an excellent writer but...newsflash...this is a Leonard Cohen board, so I think most people on it are pretty familiar with "real writing."

If it's your contention that posting all the lyrics to an (admittedly very well-written) Tom Waits song could somehow serve as a fantastically revelatory writing clinic for people who are already by definition keenly aware of the work of (I think most people here would agree) one of the better poets of our time - I must disagree.

I also have to disagree with your review of the poem - the imagery works for me, and I thought the ending line was perfect.

Worse, your tone struck me as pedantic at best, bordering on condescending.

Perhaps I'd feel differently if you were to post some of your own work to establish your credibility, rather than pasting Tom Waits' work...

Thanks,
Aaron

[3010530027]

???


If it's your contention that posting all the lyrics to an (admittedly very well-written) Tom Waits song could somehow serve as a fantastically revelatory writing clinic for people who are already by definition keenly aware of the work of (I think most people here would agree) one of the better poets of our time - I must disagree.

If it is your contention, Aaron, that making up my contention to knock it down is helpful I disagree!

Nope, my "contention", in simpler words- my idea, is that showing some real poetry also centred around some clothing might inspire ph to revise her piece. Her/his poem was based on a good idea but contained so little imagery and too much unimaginative "telling not showing" instead. The "oh the shape of you" line I found lazy and dull to the point of irritating.

Alice

"I am not a number"

[3010530027]

???

Hey Alice...

Perhaps I'd feel differently if you were to post some of your own work to establish your credibility, rather than pasting Tom Waits' work...

Thanks,
Aaron

Aaron here is a very quick re-work on ph's poem. I hope she/he doesn't mind. I'm not saying it's anything special but it's very differently constructed from the original. I included a phrase as clichéd as "dream survives" because I think it fits with the poor sap waiting, at least from a female (and feminist) point of view that's how I see him!

Let’s meet downtown tonight,
and you must wear that green sweater.
the one that falls off your shoulders.
and I’ll wait as usual
‘cos you’ll be late as usual
I'll be drunk by the time ,
you dance through the door
but then drinking you in
the weight will fall off my shoulders

For Heaven’s sake,
if I buy every drink,
it will cost you
for old times' sake,
just look at me once
the way you used to.

If my dream survives
and we leave together
and we stumble out to a younger sky
don't forget your sweater.
the reason why

Alice

"I am not a number"

[mat james]

piñata heart,

Is that you Andrew, Andrew McGeever?
It sounds like you.
...Poetry.

MatbbgJ