A Lighter Poem

[2Strictly_Confidential]

he gave her a black Zippo lighter
a week before she had to leave.
and she had to leave
because his wife found out
and argued some technicality
about marriage and adultery.


he gave her a black Zippo lighter
a week before she had to leave
as if he already knew
she would need a way
to keep the flame alive


and each day on the train
she plays with that black Zippo lighter
loving it between her hands
waiting for it to grow bigger
and remind her of him


back home
she has a generous husband
he gave her a free book of matches
and then a second book
20 soggy lights
1 book, 2 books
soggy lights
1 2 3 strikes and he goes out


A book of mismatches
the black Zippo lighter man was far heavier
and way bigger
and so much newer
the black Zippo lighter man was so much newer.


and the generous husband
has given his wife away
and their relationship is soggy now
and their book of matches is closed for ever.

[greta]

downer or not...I like it!!!
i especially like this verse:

he gave her a black Zippo lighter
a week before she had to leave
as if he already knew
she would need a new way
to keep the flame alive

[heatherly]

your poems are really moving, 2sc! when should we expect a book?

[2Strictly_Confidential]

hey. I have edited it now. made some improvements. at my age I am still improving, amazing.

[LaurieAK]

Ahaha-A "lighter poem" very punny.

Great metaphors and innuendo. I love the "lighter/heavier" word play.
And I really like the attitude of distance the speaker has, too.

One thing I would suggest is to change the 3rd line in the first stanza so it does not "leave" (haha) 2 sentences back-to-back ending with the same word.
A less conventional way of stating line 3 could be:

"and Leave she had to
because his wife...."

Change or not this is a great poem! Thanks for sharing, Laurie

[2Strictly_Confidential]

thank you for the comments Laurie. the lighter/heavier is my favourite bit as well. I read the leaving leaving endings in a way that makes it ok. my objection to your suggestion would be that I work in a profession where people invert words for no good reason and I have regular urges to kill them for it!

[Arno]

I agree with laurie, great poem

Just a thought, but I would leave the 3rd line out:

he gave her a black Zippo lighter
a week before she had to leave
because his wife found out
and argued some technicality
about marriage and adultery

it gets smoother and I dont think you lose anything... but hey, I just started writing, so what do I know. (just gut feeling)


I love the poem, Arno

[2Strictly_Confidential]

damn, I am getting outvoted here! Maybe we should forget the 3rd line and move on to the obscenity of the 3rd verse?

[Arno]

sorry pal but I really like your obscenities in the 3rd verse and the rest of the poem.

I'm afraid the discussion will stick to the 3rd line

seriously, though, stick to the version that youre most comfortable with.

[LaurieAK]

2SC~

First off, please don't kill me. (hehe)

I vote for Arno's suggestion (omitting line 3).
Stanzas 2 & 3 have 5 lines each. The first one has 6.

Since YOU brought up stanza 3. What i wanted to see was a repeat of the refrain from stanza 1&2..."he gave her a black zippo lighter" as the first line. (omitting the current line: "she plays..."

Such as:

"he gave a a black zippo lighter
and each day on the train,
LOVES it between her hands..."

As for it being "obscene" it is a bit gratuitous, but very fitting within the theme of the entire poem.

Thanks for letting us play with your poem! L

[2Strictly_Confidential]

hey, you might be right on this (or "on this right you might be?") I will deffo think of mucking around with the start of verse 3. the obscenity bit is not really gratuitous as this is all a true story...

[LaurieAK]

2SC~ Of course your right about stanza 3 not being gratuitous like i previously stated. It was a snap judgement.

Thinking about it, it is the most revealing stanza of the poem. Everything said alludes to this affair being just about s.e.x. There are no words of any attachment other than physical. This stanza puts that out there with 'in your face' honesty. nice touch. (touch, nice). regards, L

[Ben Kelly]

Dear SC

The title and content is well matched, sorry.

Well done, strike out the puns

Cheers

Ben

[heatherly]

I think the third line is just as it should be to express the story -
so written, it further emphasises that she HAD TO LEAVE
of course, i'm not big on technicality anyway.

I do have a question. Did he give her the lighter so she would have the need of something to remember him by fullfilled, or was it because he needed to be remembered, and such a gift would serve as an aid in that cause. Just wondering.... h

[Zabka]

Hey this reminds me of being in the civil service and trying to get a document out to the public