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.
I’m going to swallow myself.
I'm going to eat every piece of me
. . that isn't the me I want.
I'm going to paint my room blue.
I'm going to wear uncomfortable shoes
. . with pointy tips.
I'm going to be a good wife,
I will smile,
I will laugh,
I will find joy in submission.

yet,
. . even as this blue ink spreads,
I know that I am lying
and I can feel the warmth
from your fingers, weaving
it's way through the leaves above
to gently touch the back of my neck.


- - - - - -
edit note - thank you to those who made suggestions/comments here and privately it was appreciated. I'm going back to original ending for now but of course the great thing about a poem is that you can come back to it.
edit again - changed ending again - okay I'm going to stop this now


. . rough work
. . Original posted

. . I'm going to swallow myself.
. . I'm going to eat every piece of me
. . ....that isn't the me I want.
. . I'm going to paint my room blue.
. . I'm going to where uncomfortable shoes
. . ....with pointy tips.
. . I'm going to be a good wife,
. . ....a Mother to be proud of.

. . I will smile,
. . I will laugh,
. . I will find joy in submission
. . ....okay, I will find comfort in submission.
. . I will visit my garden.
. . I will take care of the flowers.
. . ....what more could be needed?

. . yet,
. . ....even as this blue ink spreads,
. . I know that I am lying

. . and you are the sun
. . and your fingers her rays
. . making their way through
. . tree top leaves
. . to dance over my skin.

Love it Cate.

Felt it… Lived it… Know it!

Karren B xx

thanks Karren x

What's wrong with its ending, as is, Cate? Does it really need to go further?

It could go much further if you dig deep enough.
But you won't necessarily like what you find.
just because it's not what you want to be it maybe what you are.

(I am speaking for me, not for you Cate)
but isn't that what a poems about, to evoke a reaction.

Karren B xx

lizzytysh wrote:What's wrong with its ending, as is, Cate? Does it really need to go further?

Hi thanks for reading Lizzy - I had to think about your question. It might be okay to end it there but I think it should go a little bit further - I might need to come to the ending later.

Karren B wrote: but isn't that what a poems about, to evoke a reaction.

Reaction – interaction – hopefully each person will read something different and hopefully the reader can be the 'I' in the poem.

(I am speaking for me, not for you Cate)

oh your speaking for me as well at certain moments or times.
I’m thinking that most of us have times when we’re not completely comfortable with who we are, especially if we were big Leave it to Beaver fans as kids.

I like this. It has a very strange yet poetic feel to it.

This is a gorgeous little word-creature, Cate. I felt every blue-gold finger of it, walking down my spine.

Hi Jason and LightedPalace - thank you to you both.

and you are the sun
... and your fingers her rays
... making their way through
... tree top leaves
... to dance over my skin.

this is beautiful

thank you Boss
that's the part that I struggled with the most because I think it's a bit 'to much' but when I tried to revise nothing fit for me, so I let it go back to the original. (in general I don't think that it's nice to compare people to the sun - it's been claimed to many times before and who can live up to being a sun? ... I'm not sure the Narrator is speaking about the specific person or about the emotions N associates with the person, so for now I guess it's okay)

x
cate

(in general I don't think that it's nice to compare people to the sun - it's been claimed to many times before and who can live up to being a sun?

Who can not? We are all children of the sun. And anyway who cares what's been claimed before -
I really thought it was the most enchanting part of the poem(s) above, the most 'musical'.

Being 'too analytical' sometimes spoils the song.

Peace Cate,
Boss

Boss wrote: Being 'too analytical' sometimes spoils the song.

True - thank you Boss

x
cate